When Your Boyfriend Says He’s Better Off Single
Kevin Price, Editor at Large for USA Business Radio and Host of the Price of Business Show, has recently become hooked on Quora. In addition to daily hosting the Price of Business, Kevin has numerous writing obligations on this and other sites for which he serves as an editor and with his syndicated column, so we decided that if he’s going to write at Quora, he is going to share that content on this website. If you are on Quora, make sure to follow Kevin. You can check out his page here.
Kevin’s hot topics on Quora are history, free market economics, philosophy, and Myers Briggs typology, and many others. The following is one of his recent answers to the question in the title.
This is seriously inappropriate behavior. The first thing I suggest is that you evaluate how important this relationship is to you.
If you think it is worth continuing, have a very serious conversation with him when you are not arguing. Sit down with him and explain to him exactly how you feel when he does this behavior. Ask him why he says those things to you. You might even ask how he would feel if you reciprocated. Explain that this is unacceptable behavior and that it is the antithesis of unconditional love, which should be the foundation in any long term relationship and that you have no intention of staying in a relationship that does not stand on such (also be prepared to back up your words with action).
Create consequences. Before it even happens again, state “I will need to put boundaries around seeing you until we work it out.” If it persists, don’t hesitate having a relationship counselor be a part of your conversations. He probably doesn’t hear the damaging effects and there is a high likelihood that he was threatened by abandonment while growing up in his family of origin or other significant relationship, and then naturally does that to others.
This is also called a “one up” statement. It is saying, “I am more valued by others than you, and I can prove it by becoming single.” Unless we think cognitively about our relationships, we are often guilty of using “one up language.” These have the power of destroying a relationship.
Pia Melody has written one of the most important books I have ever read on relationships and it is called “The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth.” This book is not only about having a healthy relationship with others, but also one self. She list 9 “ground rules” in relationship that must be established in order to have healthy conversations. They are:
- Don’t accuse. Ask questions gently and don’t jump to conclusions. Assume the best in the one you love, not the worst.
- Don’t tell your partner what he or she should be feeling. This is very important, because it is through our own feelings that we are able to establish healthy communication with others.
- Don’t give advice. People generally do not want to be fixed, especially by their spouse. Giving unsolicited advice is the epitome of “one up” talk. Be very careful giving advice when they ask for it too. Giving advice is simply dangerous.
- Don’t judge. We rarely know what the other person was thinking, what motivated him/her, etc. At some point, our constant judging begs the question, “why do I do such a bad job choosing my relationships?” Assume the best, not the worst.
- Don’t guess at your partner’s motivation. So easy to do, and so very dangerous.
- Don’t be sarcastic. As an INTJ this has been one of my biggest struggles. Sarcasm comes so naturally to me. The root meaning of the word “sarcasm” is “to tear flesh.” It is designed to make the perpetrator feel smart and the recipient stupid. Don’t do it.
- Don’t use hard to understand language or jargon. Again, a favorite ploy of INTJs and, again, designed to make themselves feel smarter and others, inferior.
- Don’t say “You really don’t understand me.” This implies one thinks at a higher level and that others simply don’t “get them.” Total superiority.
- Don’t call your partner names. The reasons why are numerous and obvious, and simply leads to more things to apologize for.
As you can see… (READ MORE)
